Do you ever feel like you’re just not worth it? Like no matter what you do, you’re setting yourself up for failure? Do you always expect the negative to happen to you?
Lately, I’ve been struggling with this a lot.
I moved to London just over three years ago from a relatively small, quiet city. My hometown was lovely and offered a lot. I had a great group of friends & colleagues, a good job, my own flat, freedom to do whatever I wanted and my family nearby. I left because I felt like it wasn’t enough.
When I moved to London, I never had the intention to stay long term. I had only planned for 2 years before I’d move on to somewhere else (Ireland, then New Zealand). Quickly, I fell into a routine and then met my now husband.
When I got bored of my hometown & the monotony, I fled. I spent a mini fortune on a visa and booked a one way ticket. Now, when the monotony seeps in, I don’t know what to do. We’re grounded here. We own our flat, we have jobs (my husband has been in his for 20 years), we have a dog, and he has his family here. We’re settled.
I’m just feeling so down on myself lately. It’s not even like I have a lot of balls to juggle. It’s just the few that I do have, I am bored of or don’t know how to improve them. I’m struggling with work / life balance and struggling with how to find happiness in the things I do love.
My reaction to this would normally be to change the thing that’s bothering me most. The thing that bothers me most is work. This is a whole other issue, on a whole other level, that can’t be tackled in a day. This, this will be a blog post of it’s own in due course.
I’ve written before about work / life balance and how I struggle. It’s impacting my personal life, my marriage and the way I feel about myself. By no means is my marriage in any sort of risk. What I do mean is I bring home my stress (my husband does the same). At the end of woking a really long day, I come home and have just a few short hours with my husband.
When I arrive at home, I’m typically greeted by a dog who wants to be taken to the park, dishes that need washing, laundry that needs doing, and a bed that needs to be made, followed by tidying up the house of all the clutter and mess from the evening before (or if the dog has dumped out his toy box, as he frequently does). We have dinner at 9 pm, then take the dog for yet another long walk, before I start doing dishes at 11 pm, then it’s time for bed. All of this so I can go to bed, to wake up and do it all over again.
It’s a ball ache.
Even if I come home and don’t have all those things, I come home ready to deal with a mess and feel stressed. I feel stressed by the day I had at work, even if it was a relatively easy one.
I’m so down on everything. I feel like all the good has gone and everything is completely out of my control to manage it’s positivity.
What do you do to compartmentalise all the stress and irritation in your life? How do you separate the bullshit from the good?